do atheists say oh my god
yep. we say it any time we hear something that’s unbelievable.
- Fade in. Jeff Winger is sitting in his office, reclining, quietly sipping a small, paper cup of scotch. Stacks of books dealing with copyright, royalties, negotiations, and ownership, litter his desk and the floor. The moment of silence is interrupted by the Dean's voice blaring over the loudspeaker.
- Dean: "Important announcement everyone! In celebration of the avoidance of our near demises at the hands of that astral anomaly, tuition is 5% off with a voucher! Oh and will Jeffrey join me in my office immediately."
- With a groan Jeff slowly stands and walks into the hall, carefully stepping over his piles of books on the way.
- As he is walking up to the door of the Dean's office another announcement starts.
- Dean: "Oh, and one more thing. Until further notice the cafeteria will not be serving fresh foods as we work through our stockpiles of canned goods from our underground shelters. On the plus side, our influx of Hungarian exchange students should be very pleased with the canned goulash."
- Jeff steps into the Dean's office only to be confronted with walls upon walls of canned goods, some of which have been carefully placed, others strewn about on desks. The Dean is not visible for a moment, then we see him pop up from behind a pile.
- Dean: "Ah, Jeffrey! I'll give it to you straight as I knooow you don't like to fool around. I've received an anonymous complaint from one of your students. They told me that you have yet to issue a single test, quiz, paper, or any material that could be used to assess a student's achievement in your class."
- Jeff: "Crap. Seriously? I can count the serious classes at this school with one hand."
- Dean: "Ouch! I was just going to sweep this under the rug, as I totally trust your teaching style, but with that reaction I'm afraid, as Dean, I have no choice but to see that something's done about this. Do YOU have any ideas on how to fix this Jeffrey?"
- Jeff: "Dioramas?"
- Dean: "I'm serious here Jeff! We can't have Annie going about complaining that-"
- Jeff: "ANNIE COMPLAINED?!"
- Jeff's yell manages to send a stack of cans clattering all over the ground. Jeff and the Dean bend over to clean up the mess. In an exasperated, hushed tone, the Dean continues-
- Dean: "Honestly who else could it have been Jeff? We need to come up with a solution here! Why don't you just tell your class to write a paper on something?"
- Jeff: "Fine."
- Dean: "Great! Now that we've got that settled I've got to go feed some hungry Hungarians my special goulash surprise!"
- *Cue opening theme*
- Open on Jeff storming to class. As he’s walking he rams into Britta.
- Jeff: “Hey watch it.”
- Britta: “Whoa what crawled up your butt and laid eggs?”
- Jeff: “Sorry. I’m not in a great mood right now. Annie ratted me out to the Dean on the whole ‘no tests’ thing. Now he’s making me throw together a paper assignment to shut her up.”
- Britta: “Harsh. Have you thought about what you’re going to do?”
- Jeff: “Eh, I figured I’d just Winger it.”
- Britta: “Trying to turn your name into a verb huh?”
- Jeff: “Does it work?”
- Britta: “No, not really. You are kinda Britta-ing the whole idea.”
- Jeff: “Hmph.”
- Britta: “What you need to do is pitch a project so odd and frustrating, that your students will be pacified until the end of the semester so you never have to worry about this again.”
- Jeff: “That’s actually not a bad idea. What do you suggest?”
- Britta: “Why not try Yahoo-ing some project ideas?”
- Jeff: “‘Yahoo-ing?’”
- Britta: “Yeah, you know the search engine?”
- Jeff: “You use Yahoo? Seriously?”
- Britta: “Well yeah, it’s the best right? Who doesn’t?”
- Jeff: “I’d say anyone with a desire to actually find what they are looking for. It’s kinda the Britta of search engines.”
- As Jeff says this an idea visibly crosses his mind.
- Jeff: “I’ve got it.”
- Britta: “Got what?”
- Jeff: “Thanks Britta.”
- Jeff walks away and Britta shouts behind him.
- Britta: “You’re welcome!”
- Cut to Jeff finishing his class. Jeff is holding a sword and shield standing over Garrett, who is sprawled out on the floor, spear and shield at his sides. Both are in full Roman costume battle armor. The class looks on in total awe, while Annie is taking notes furiously in the front row.
- Jeff: “...And that is how you divide and conquer the jury.”
- The class applauds and Jeff gives a slight bow and thanks Garrett as he moves back to his seat. As Jeff takes off his armor and settles into his seat, he looks out over his class, eyes hovering on Annie for a moment, then begins speaking.
- Jeff: “Lastly, it’s been brought to my attention that this has become a blow off class of sorts and, sadly, this is something I must fix.”
- The class groans.
- Jeff: “Don’t groan at me! ...Let’s just say one of your classmates likes actual assignments.”
- As he says this he stares down Annie. Immediately she is hit by a crumpled ball of paper.
- Jeff: “That’s enough. To make this as painless as possible for everyone, we’ll be doing a single project. I want a thirteen page paper on the sixth procedure outlined in the text on my desk by the end of next week. I want all research to be done using Yahoo and Yahoo alone.”
- The majority of the class looks at each other, rather confused.
- Jeff: “Yes, Yahoo. (exasperated)...Just Google it. Class dismissed.”
- Open in Study Room. Jeff, Annie, Britta, Abed, and Shirley are sitting around the table. Awkward silence hangs in the air as Jeff and Annie eye each other furiously. The group's eyes bounce back and forth between them. Finally Annie speaks.
- Annie: “Well what was I supposed to do Jeff? You gave me no opportunity to do well in your class. What were you going to grade us on, participation?”
- Jeff: “The whole point of a blow off class is that you can blow it off and not worry about your grade.”
- Annie: “NOT WORRY ABOUT MY GRADE. I might as well stop breathing or... or...”
- Jeff: “I had planned on giving everyone A’s Annie.
- Annie: “SERIOUSLY. I’d expect more from you Jeff. Just like Duncan you’re gonna start just folding over and not expecting us to try and learn huh?”
- Conversation is halted briefly by Britta.
- Britta: “Hey, where is Duncan?”
- Jeff: “He told me he had some kind of reporting gig and would be away for awhile. And where is Hickey?”
- Abed: “I heard he was going undercover, tackling some sort of private eye work.”
- Shirley: “Good for him, he needed to get out of this place.”
- Abed: “Yeah, he seemed too badass for us.”
- Annie: “Stop changing the subject guys. Why would you make us use Yahoo Jeff? How are we ever supposed to complete our research?”
- Jeff: “I didn’t mastermind that awesome plan.”
- Jeff looks over at Britta.
- Britta: “Screw you. Yahoo is the only way to get stuff done.”
- Abed: “I don’t think so Britta, Google is pretty much the standard, except for Microsoft employees who have to use Bing.”
- Britta: “Well maybe I’m just ahead of the curve huh? Just cause you dweebs are too cool...It takes a true hipster to know what’s old is new again. Haven’t you ever heard of vintage?”
- The rest of the group looks at Britta for a moment, almost feeling sorry for her. Then Jeff starts again.
- Jeff: “Hey, if my only class project proves too difficult for you Annie I’m afraid I’m just gonna have to drop your grade a bit.”
- Annie: “Oh it’s on Tinkletown.”
- Jeff: “SHIRLEY!”
- Shirley: “What, you thought that I wouldn’t tell that story eventually?
- The group argues about random things for a moment before the Dean marches confidently into the study room in a full Hungarian folk costume that’s tight in all the wrong places.
- Dean: “Szervusz and hello! Why don’t we break up this little kerfuffle, go down to the cafeteria, and enjoy some goulash!”
- Jeff: “We are kind of in the middle of something here.”
- Dean: “Whenever you guys fight it just blows over, and besides, there is goulash to enjoy!”
- Shirley: “That would be a great idea Craig if it weren’t a blatant insult.”
- Dean: “I know you’re still sore about me temporarily closing Shirley’s Sandwiches while we work through the excess of rations, but come now what else was I supposed to do with a few years worth of canned food?”
- Britta: “Oh I don’t know, give it to some poor, hungry kids? Do we really need more food? Children are starving in Africa!”
- Dean: “It’s a budgetary thing, Britta. With spreadsheets. ON EXCEL!”
- Jeff: “Wait, you didn’t spend the entire school’s budget on canned goulash, did you?”
- Dean: “Well, not JUST goulash Jeffrey, Abed convinced we were going to be hit by that asteroid and that money would be of no use once the apocalypse struck. So we sold Chang’s diamond teeth, used the rest of Borchet’s fortune and stocked up on preserved food.”
- Abed: “Not my fault, all signs pointed to our cancellation being imminent.”
- Dean: “Whatever you say Abed, now, if you excuse me these cans aren’t going to sell themselves!”
- The Dean leaves the Study Room.
- Shirley: “Who wants lunch in the cafeteria?”
- The group looks puzzled at Shirley.
- Shirley: “I can’t reopen my business until they work through those rations, so as my friends I expect you’ll be helping eat through them?”
- Britta: “As fun as that sounds, that sounds terrible.”
- Jeff: “My guess is we’ll end up helping her anyway though, so we’ll see you there Shirley.”
- Shirley: “Oooh thank you.”
- Annie: “Well, I’m off to work on my paper, see you all at lunch!”
- Open in Greendale’s cafeteria. Much like the Dean’s office, the room is covered in stacks of cans. Students all around poke at their brown food. The study group is sitting and staring at plates of reheated mush, except for Shirley, who is on her second plate.
- Jeff: “Well I’m not eating this. Who wants pizza from the teacher’s lounge?”
- The whole group (except Shirley) quickly raise their hands.
- Shirley: “You’re giving up on me already?”
- Jeff: “We’re not giving up on you Shirley, we’re giving up on eating this garbage. Come on guys.”
- The group stands to leave, but Shirley stays behind, poking at her food. After the group has left, Chang sits down across from her, now sporting an enormous pair of false teeth.
- Chang: “I know what you want to accomplish Shirley, and I happen to have a proposition for you about how to do it.”
- A mischievous grin passes over Shirley’s face and we fade to black.
- Open in Study Room. Jeff, Britta, Abed, and Annie sit around the table. Annie is frantically typing on a laptop. We catch Abed in the middle of conversation.
- Abed: “...and that’s why ending in a sixth season or higher is optimal. Though if your show hasn’t sprung into a movie at some point then you are missing a lot of potential.”
- Britta: “Thank you once again for explaining that to us Abed.”
- Annie: “Shhhhhh. Trying to focus here guys.”
- Jeff: “Annie, I was kidding about the lower your grade thing. You’re gonna get an A.”
- Annie: “I’m not going to half-ass this Jeff. The only way you’re giving me an A is if I do the work that equals an A.”
- Jeff: “Suit yourself.”
- Annie: “Besides, using Yahoo is actually a pleasurable experience.”
- Jeff: “Wait, for real?”
- Annie: “Yeah, something about it feels very... Greendale. Like it just fits with our school.”
- Jeff: “Huh, I guess that makes sense.”
- Annie: “Anyway, I really need to focus. I’ll see you guys later.”
- Annie grabs her things and walks out the door. As Jeff, Britta, and Abed are talking the Dean rushes into the study room out of breath, still in his Hungarian folk costume that’s tight in all the wrong places, but now also covered in goulash.
- Dean: “We have a situation in the cafeteria.”
- Open in Greendale’s cafeteria. A food fight among the students has broken out. Though this is beyond a food fight, this is a food war! Walls have been built out of cans, barely edible food flies through the air, the floor is a slick mess of goop. There is a large fortress of cans set up over Shirley’s Sandwiches, complete with turrets. Dean, Jeff, Britta, and Abed walk to the edge of the battlefield carefully watching for flying food.
- Jeff: “What the hell happened?”
- Dean: “I DON’T KNOW.”
- The group walks tentatively forward into the fray, carefully dodging and weaving through the flying food. Then they see ahead of them a massive crowd of protesters, led by none other than Shirley, who is sitting on a throne of cans on the fortress in front of Shirley’s Sandwiches. Chang stands out front chanting through his massive, gritted false teeth.
- Chang: “WHAT DO WE WANT?”
- Crowd: “SANDWICHES!”
- Chang: “WHAT DON’T WE WANT?”
- Crowd: “GOULASH!”
- Chang: “WHEN DON’T WE WANT WHAT WE WANTED?”
- Crowd: “WHAT?”
- Chang: “Come on guys, follow along!”
- Chang: “WHAT DO WE WANT?”
- Crowd: “TO EAT FRESH!”
- Shirley interrupts with a commanding tone.
- Shirley: “ENOUGH!”
- All eyes turn to her. She looks upon the room like they are peasants in her kingdom. She begins in her most authoritative tone, but quiet, as to make everyone lean in and listen.
- Shirley: “You all have come here today in anger, in hate, in desire to stop eating food you think is disgusting.”
- The crowd screams. She raises her hand and they stop. They are under her spell.
- Shirley: “Now, let’s rid the cafeteria forever more of this filth!”
- With a wild yell Chang runs forward throwing down a lit match, igniting the food on the floor. With a cheer of screams the crowd starts grabbing cans and throwing them into the blaze. The crowd chants “BIG CHEDDAR! BIG CHEDDAR!”
- All this time, Dean, Jeff, Britta, and Abed stare in horror. Shirley yells in the most blood curdling voice any of them have ever heard, in a voice that still haunts them to this day.
- Shirley: “Oh that’s nice.”
- At this point Jeff calls out to her
- Jeff: “Shirley?”
- Shirley looks at Jeff, up and down.
- Jeff: “What are you doing?!?”
- Shirley is snapped out of her daze of power. Looking on at the riot she has created. Smoke billows the room as students in tattered clothes throw things at each other. Chang steps between Jeff and Shirley.
- Chang: “She’s thinking it’s high time for a new world order Jeff! It’s high time the mighty ones step forward and take over.”
- Shirley: “WHAT? No, I just want to get rid of all this goulash.”
- Chang stands puzzled for a moment.
- Chang: “Goulash? I thought you said galoshes. I’m out of here.”
- With that Chang slides down the mountain of cans and walks out, carefully avoiding the blazing food products.
- Shirley: “Oh Jeffrey I’m so sorry.”
- Jeff: “Don’t be. We’ve all been seduced by that psychopath more than a few times.”
- Jeff and Shirley stare at the bizarre scene for a moment as the sprinklers turn on. With a bunch of disappointed cries the riot calms down and begins to slowly disband and like that, the insanity is over. Dean, Abed, and Britta join Jeff and Shirley on what’s left of the can fortress.
- Britta: “Well that de-escalated quickly.”
- Shirley: “I have no idea how that got out of hand. I just wanted to bring back Shirley’s Sandwiches. I couldn’t bare to lose it again!”
- Dean: “Never mind that, what are we going to do!”
- The group survey the wreckage as water sprinkles down on them. Burnt cans lie everywhere and the floor is scorched.
- Jeff: “I... don’t know.”
- The group sit in stunned silence. The only sound the pitter patter of dripping sprinklers and the scuff of the last few students awkwardly exiting. Annie runs into the cafeteria with an enormous spring in her step shouting.
- Annie: “OH MY GOSH GUYS I HAVE THE BEST NEWS!”
- Then Annie comes across the disaster and squeaks.
- Annie: “Whoa. W-w-what happened?”
- Jeff: “Oh, just another day at Greendale.”
- Jeff shrugs toward Shirley and she squirms in an embarrassed fashion. Annie glances at Shirley quizzically for a moment.
- Jeff: “What were you going to say Annie?”
- Annie: “Huh? Oh, right. I HAVE THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE NEWS!”
- Dean: “Still unbelievable after what you’ve seen here?”
- Annie: “Why, I think it warrants shouting from the rooftops!”
- The group leans in.
- Annie: “After Jeff set us up with his ludicrous assignment, I began using Yahoo. I soon found that it was quite good, the interface made me feel quite at home. I then thought I’d email Yahoo’s corporate office just to share my fondness. I told them about how it was an assignment that I only use Yahoo, and they seemed rather intrigued. A short while later I got another email. They said that they looked into our school and found out many of their employees are actually Greendale alumni! They said they liked what we are trying to accomplish and said they’d make a donation to our school.
- Dean: “A DONATION?!? How much?!?”
- Annie: “Let’s just say enough to keep our school running happily for a long, long time.”
- The group started gasping, babbling in disbelief. The Dean hit the floor. The babbling turns into cheers. Unnoticed by the group, Alex Osborne is sitting in the corner and presses play on his speaker. Dave Matthews Band starts playing.
- Dancing breaks out, seeing and hearing the cheers, other students start to flood in. Standing over the wreckage that once was the cafeteria, happiness radiates. Some might not know exactly why everyone is celebrating, but it doesn’t matter. During the joyous rumpus Abed looks off into the distance and begins to speak to no one in particular.
- Abed: “Well, see you in the Fall. Greendale lives, and we will never cross the darkest timeline ever again. We are victorious, nothing can stop us now. And THAT’s canon.”
- He leans in close.
- Abed: “#sixseasonsandamovie”
- *The Beginning*
things i needed to hear in health class:
- puberty might make you squishier and its ok
- vaginas have a smell and it’s a ok
- all kinds of people with all kinds of bodies have gr8 sex
- genitals do not all look the same and variety is rad
- people have stretch marks sometimes
- people have pimples on their butts sometimes
- people have cellulite sometimes
- gender =/= sex
- sex =/= scary danger FEAR
- bodies aren’t scary or gross or sacred
- everything is ok
Ahem, signal boost.
robot friend does not agree. 'failure' is inability to fulfill directive. human has no programmed directive. human evolutionary directive is to live. you are alive. everything else is bonus.
I’ve been saving this message in my inbox for a long time because it always makes me feel better. I needed it today. Thank you